I feel like we never need to talk about New Year’s resolutions and whether they work again, okay?  Okay.  Same page, and I like it.

Science says they’re whack.  Our own experience says they’re whack.  That guy Dan we work with and hate, but treat kindly, says they’re whack.  (Just one of the many hatefully correct things Dan says.)  We make them anyway.  Humans, constitutionally, are janky, mangled piles of copper pipe.  Not even Ari Shapiro’s dulcet tones could make this story interesting to me anymore*.

The other reason I think I’ve heard enough analysis is that I have finally started, in a real way, to believe it.  That said, I am making one resolution as we move into 2017.  And, guys, it’s . . . pregnant!


Sorry/you’re welcome for making you read that weird thing.  What I mean is that I resolve to spend 2017 making a series of shorter-term resolutions for myself.  And getting them done.  Because they’re bite-sized.

Why should not work for me what works for Halloween candy, if you follow me.

I resolve to read more books in 2016!

-Past me

Noble, yes?  Even nobler might have been,

I resolve to write more blog posts in 2016!

-What a jerk

An example of my resolution babies would look more like this:

I resolve

[Picks up specific piece of literature]

to read this – OVER THE LONG WEEKEND!

-Sex on wheels

Since I tied myself to only one year-long resolution at the beginning of this blog post, and have never heard of going-back-to-edit, I won’t promise you monthly updates on my RBs.  But I will set an RB for myself to do that at least in January.  It gives me an excuse to use Excel, if nothing else.

All of you, thank you for reading my blog.  Thank you for humoring my neologisms.  Thank you for going out and doing the thing this year.  Because you will, right?  Right?  Okay.


*- This isn’t true and I am unashamed.  Call me, Ari.